I get a lot of questions about hitting and biting from parents. Unfortunately, I often get these questions after the behavior has been going on for months. Parents seem to think that if their child bites their shoulder while being carried or hits their face it is just normal kid behavior, but when that action spills over into play group, with siblings or in daycare the worry begins.

Nipping this behavior in the bud before it spills into other aspects of life is wise. The first time your baby bites you it is not malicious or out of frustration. Like any other behavior it is just a random urge, an experiment of sorts to see how it feels. How you respond to that behavior determines in large part whether it goes on to be a problem behavior or not.

The very first time you are bitten or hit, you will be stunned and may even speak harshly to your baby or toddler, saying "Ouch!" or "No!" firmly, resulting in tears from your baby. You then feel a little guilty, understanding that the behavior was not meant to hurt you and you back off a bit. The next time it happens, you start saying things like "It hurts Daddy when you bite" or "Gentle hands" and show the child how to touch appropriately - and this is where the initial mistake is made. Although it is important to teach your child what to do with his hands or mouth other than hit or bite, parents need to respond firmly and definitely when the behavior occurs. I recommend that almost regardless of where the transgression takes place, you immediately put the child down on the floor and firmly say "No biting (or hitting)" and walk a few steps away with your back to the child. This sends a clear message to the child at the moment the behavior occurs. Do this every single time, no exceptions. If your child is mobile, he will follow you and for a short period of time you need to ignore him. When you do return to paying attention to your child, reinforce the rule by saying "No hitting (or biting)" and then go on with your day.

At first when you begin this process, especially if the behavior has been going on for some time without consequence, you will see an increase in the hitting or biting. Don't be discouraged! This doesn't mean that the behavior modification isn't working, but rather the child is trying to figure out which behavior is the cause of the mini time out and whether your really will give a consequence every time.

Remember, children learn at this age through trial and error, not logic. They will try to put a square block in a round shape sorter hole over and over even though they have done this in the past and it hasn't worked. Even after they figure out that the square block goes in the square hole, they will try it out in others to make sure that this rule is same all the time. When modifying behaviors like hitting or biting, consistency is by far the most important factor. The square will never fit in the round hole and it is only when she realizes this that your child will stop trying to fit it in. Be consistent in your consequences and the behavior will diminish.

Sometimes parents can predict a child is heading toward a hitting or biting episode. If so, that is the time to suggest alternatives like biting a blanket or clapping his hands hard as ways to ward off the behavior. Giving the child something positive or acceptable to do to vent feelings of anger or frustration (if that is what is leading to the behavior) can help diffuse it. Remember though, the first few times the child hits or bites, it is more of a random experiment than a strategy that works and if you can modify the behavior before it gets associated with feelings you are way ahead of the game.

Lastly, if your child is in a hitting or biting phase, make sure that you are NOT giving them love pats or nibbles, even if the child likes these. Toddlers don't understand the difference between love bites and real ones, between gentle love pats and hitting. Also, spanking or biting your child in response to the behavior will not only reinforce it and cause the behavior to increase in frequency but it won't work. Be consistent with time outs and you will see improvement in this behavior. If necessary, discuss your management plan with any other caregivers so the message is consistent across the board.